Carrie Jones, LPC - LifeVision Counseling, LLC

Licensed Professional Counselor in Richmond, Virginia

Category: Self Help (Page 3 of 4)

Surviving Thanksgiving with a Smile: A Counselor’s Guide

Thanksgiving is a time of gratitude, family, and… stress? Let’s be honest—while the holiday season brings joy, it can also come with its own set of challenges. From dodging awkward family conversations to managing food hangovers, Thanksgiving can feel like a marathon instead of a holiday.

But fear not! Here’s a light-hearted, fun guide from a professional counselor on how to survive Thanksgiving with your sanity intact—while maybe even enjoying yourself along the way.

1. The “Turkey Timeout”

Let’s face it: Thanksgiving can be intense. Whether you’re hosting or just trying to navigate a house full of extended family, it’s important to have an escape plan. Enter: the Turkey Timeout.

This is your secret weapon—a quick five-minute break you can take when Uncle Joe starts his annual political rant or Aunt Marge corners you about your life choices. Slip away to a quiet room, the bathroom, or even the garage, take a few deep breaths, and regroup. The Turkey Timeout isn’t avoidance; it’s a self-care strategy!

2. Have a “Safe Word”

Get your immediate family or a close ally on board with a secret code—something like “cranberries” or “pumpkin pie disaster.” When things start to go off the rails, drop the word into a sentence like, “I think I forgot the cranberries!” to signal you need backup. It’s a great way to tag someone in or out of a conversation without making a scene.

3. Embrace the Art of the Non-Answer

Thanksgiving is prime time for invasive questions: “When are you getting married?” “Why don’t you have kids yet?” “Have you thought about a new job?” Instead of diving into a defensive answer, master the art of the non-answer. Here are some go-to phrases:

  • “That’s a great question! I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”
  • “Oh, you know, life’s been an adventure!”
  • “I’m focusing on enjoying today; we’ll see what the future holds!”

These responses are polite, vague, and excellent at redirecting the conversation.

4. Play “Thanksgiving Bingo”

If your family gatherings are predictably unpredictable, why not make a game out of it? Create a Bingo card with classic Thanksgiving moments: “Someone brings up politics,” “The dog steals food,” “Grandma tells a story from 1962,” “The oven burns something,” and so on. Keep track throughout the day, and reward yourself with a special treat when you get Bingo. It’s a fun way to stay light-hearted even if chaos ensues.

5. Set Boundaries with a Smile

Boundaries are a hot topic in therapy, but during Thanksgiving, they need a little more finesse. Be prepared to say “no” when necessary, but add a smile to soften the delivery. A cheerful, “Oh, I’m taking a break from talking about that, but tell me about your latest adventure!” can keep the peace while still protecting your own limits.

Setting boundaries isn’t about being rigid; it’s about finding a balance between respecting others and taking care of yourself.

6. Choose Your Battles Wisely

Remember, not every hill is worth dying on—especially when the stuffing is calling. If a family debate is getting heated, ask yourself: “Is this worth engaging in, or will it just add to my stress?” Sometimes the best choice is to nod, smile, and pass the mashed potatoes instead of getting into a debate over who has the best sweet potato recipe.

7. Preempt the Post-Dinner Food Coma

Thanksgiving meals are notorious for being carb-heavy, delicious, and coma-inducing. If you want to enjoy the day without spending the evening on the couch in a food-induced haze, try eating mindfully. Savor each bite, take breaks between courses, and hydrate with water. Consider going for a short, post-dinner walk to get your energy back before the dessert table calls your name.

8. Create Your Own Traditions

Who says Thanksgiving traditions have to be traditional? If you dread certain parts of the holiday, why not start something new? Host a pre-dinner dance party, organize a family game, or take turns sharing a gratitude list (beyond just saying “I’m thankful for this food”). Injecting a little creativity can make the holiday feel fresh and fun.

9. Be the Chief of the Compliment Patrol

Thanksgiving can bring out the critic in all of us, whether it’s about someone’s cooking skills or that choice of centerpiece. Flip the script by becoming the compliment patrol. Notice the positives—the delicious pie, the well-set table, the effort someone put into a dish—and share them generously. Focusing on what’s good helps shift the energy and can lighten the mood.

10. Have an Exit Strategy

If all else fails, have a graceful exit strategy in place. Decide beforehand what your limit is for socializing, and stick to it. Whether it’s “I’ll stay until dessert” or “Once the second round of coffee is served, I’m out,” make your plan clear. It’s okay to prioritize your well-being, even during the holidays. When you’re ready to go, say your goodbyes warmly, make a quick round of hugs, and leave without lingering.

11. Find Moments of Gratitude, Even in the Chaos

No matter how stressful Thanksgiving can be, it’s still a day that invites gratitude. Take a moment in the midst of the hustle and bustle to find something you’re thankful for. It could be the food, the people around you (even the ones who drive you nuts), or simply the fact that you made it through another family gathering. Gratitude doesn’t have to be perfect—it just has to be genuine.

12. Don’t Forget the Power of Laughter

At the end of the day, Thanksgiving is about coming together, flaws and all. If things don’t go perfectly (spoiler: they won’t), find a way to laugh. Humor is one of the best ways to diffuse tension and connect with others. Whether it’s a kitchen disaster or a misheard family story, a little laughter can go a long way in transforming stress into joy.

Happy (and Sanity-Saving) Thanksgiving!

Surviving Thanksgiving doesn’t mean being perfect or making sure everything goes smoothly—it’s about embracing the chaos with a sense of humor, setting boundaries with kindness, and finding ways to take care of yourself amidst the hustle. Remember: You don’t have to love every moment of Thanksgiving to make it meaningful. Just do your best, take breaks when needed, and savor the moments that make you smile.

Have a happy, light-hearted, and fun Thanksgiving—may your stuffing be tasty, your family drama minimal, and your Turkey Timeouts short! 🍂🦃

True Self: The Observer

You Are Not Your Thoughts, Feelings, or Body—You Are the Observer

Ever felt overwhelmed by your thoughts or emotions, or caught up in judging your body? Many of us get trapped in our minds, believing that our thoughts, feelings, and sensations define who we are. But the truth is: you are not your thoughts, feelings, or body. You are the observer, the essence behind all those experiences.

This might sound a bit abstract, but it’s a powerful idea that can lead to greater peace and freedom in life. Let’s explore what this means in simple terms and how you can start embracing it.

You Are Not Your Thoughts

Our minds are busy places, constantly generating thoughts—some helpful, some hurtful. You might think, “I’m not smart enough,” or “I always mess up.” When we believe these thoughts, they shape how we feel and act. But here’s the thing: thoughts are not facts. They are just passing ideas.

Think of your thoughts like leaves floating down a stream. Some are light and harmless, others heavy and dark, but they all pass by. You are not those leaves—you are the observer watching them go by.

You Are Not Your Feelings

Feelings can be intense, like waves crashing on the shore. One moment you feel happy, the next overwhelmed with anxiety or sadness. Emotions can be strong, but they come and go. They are part of your experience, but they aren’t you.

Instead of saying, “I am anxious,” try saying, “I am feeling anxious right now.” This small change in language can make a big difference. It reminds you that feelings are temporary, not a permanent part of who you are.

You Are Not Your Sensations

Physical sensations—like a tight chest or a pounding heart—can make us feel uncomfortable or even scared. But just like thoughts and feelings, sensations don’t last forever. They are simply your body’s way of communicating what it’s experiencing.

When you notice sensations without reacting to them, you realize that they don’t define you. They’re just signals passing through your body, and you are the one noticing them.

You Are Not Your Body

It’s easy to identify ourselves with our physical appearance or abilities. We often judge ourselves based on how we look or what we can do. But your body is not who you are—it’s the vessel that carries you through life and it changes shapes and forms many times.

Your true self, your essence, is deeper than your physical form. By observing your body with curiosity and kindness, you can appreciate it without letting it define your worth.

So, Who Are You?

If you’re not your thoughts, feelings, or body, then who are you? You are the observer that watches everything unfold. You are the calm awareness behind every experience, the steady presence that remains, even when everything else is constantly changing.  The observer is the true self and the essence of who you are.

How to Practice Being the Observer

Here are some simple ways to step into the role of the observer:

1. Notice Your Thoughts
When a negative thought pops up, try not to react right away. Instead, acknowledge it: “I’m noticing the thought that I’m not good enough.” This creates a little distance between you and the thought, allowing you to see it for what it is—a temporary idea, not a fact.

2. Acknowledge Your Feelings
When emotions feel overwhelming, name them. “I’m feeling worried right now.” “I’m noticing sadness.” Naming your emotions helps you recognize that they are just passing states, not your identity.

3. Observe Your Sensations
Pay attention to what’s happening in your body without judgment. If you feel tension in your shoulders, simply notice it. Breathe into the sensation, and let yourself feel it fully without trying to change it.

4. Be Mindful of Your Body
Try to see your body as a friend, not a critic. Appreciate it for what it does—moving you, breathing, keeping you alive—rather than what it looks like. This shift in perspective helps you connect with the essence of who you are beyond your physical form.

Why It Matters

Realizing that you are the observer—the essence behind your experiences—can bring a deep sense of peace. It allows you to:
– Respond calmly to challenges instead of reacting impulsively
– Detach from negative thoughts and emotions that don’t serve you
– Accept yourself without judgment, knowing that your worth isn’t defined by your mind or body
– Live with more presence, embracing each moment as it is

Embracing Your True Essence

Understanding that you are not your thoughts, feelings, or body doesn’t mean you ignore them. Instead, it means you relate to them differently. You see them as parts of your experience, not the core of who you are. Your essence—the observer—remains steady no matter what’s happening around or within you.

The next time you find yourself caught in a storm of thoughts or emotions, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that you are the observer. You are the awareness behind the mind’s chatter, the calm presence watching it all unfold. This shift in perspective can help you navigate life’s ups and downs with a little more grace and a lot more peace.

Your true self is the observer.

Understanding Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Understanding Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

When it comes to therapy and improving mental health, one of the most widely used and effective approaches is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). This evidence-based method is popular for good reason—it’s practical, accessible, and works for a wide range of mental health concerns, including anxiety, depression, trauma, and more. But what exactly is CBT, and how does it help people make positive changes in their lives? Let’s break it down.

What Is CBT?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a type of therapy that focuses on the connection between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The basic idea is that your thoughts influence how you feel and behave. If you can change your unhelpful thoughts, you can change the way you feel and act.

Imagine this: You have a thought, “I always mess things up.” That thought might lead to feelings of anxiety or sadness. Those feelings could then cause you to avoid challenges or give up easily, reinforcing the original negative thought. This is what therapists call a “negative cycle,” and CBT aims to break that cycle.

CBT helps you identify those unhelpful patterns, challenge them, and replace them with more realistic and constructive thoughts. It’s not about false positivity but about seeing things more clearly and responding in a healthier way.

How CBT Works

CBT is structured and goal-oriented, often involving sessions where you focus on specific issues. During these sessions, your therapist acts as a guide, teaching you how to become more aware of your thoughts and giving you tools to shift them. Here’s a closer look at some of the main components:

1. Identifying Negative Thoughts
The first step in CBT is learning to recognize unhelpful thoughts. These might be automatic thoughts that pop up without you even noticing them. A CBT therapist might ask you to keep a thought journal to track these patterns. For example, if you think “I’m not good enough,” your therapist will help you examine why that thought comes up and how it affects your emotions and behavior.

2. Challenging Negative Thoughts
Once you’ve identified a negative thought, the next step is to challenge it. Is it really true? What evidence do you have for or against this thought? A therapist might help you look at the situation from a different perspective, showing you how your mind can distort reality. For instance, the thought “I’m a failure” can be reframed as “I didn’t do well this time, but that doesn’t mean I’m a failure as a person.”

3. Replacing Negative Thoughts with Realistic Ones
After challenging negative thoughts, CBT encourages you to replace them with more balanced, realistic thoughts. For example:
– Negative Thought: “I’ll never get over this.”
– Realistic Thought: “This is really hard right now, but I’ve gotten through difficult things before, and I can learn how to cope.”

4. Behavioral Strategies
CBT isn’t just about changing your thinking—it’s also about changing your behavior. You might work on breaking avoidance habits, building new routines, or facing your fears step-by-step in a process called “exposure therapy.” For example, if social situations make you anxious, a therapist might guide you through gradual exposure to those situations until they become less overwhelming.

What Can CBT Help With?

CBT is versatile and can be used to address a wide variety of mental health challenges, including:
– Anxiety: CBT can help identify anxious thoughts and develop strategies to manage worry.
– Depression: CBT helps break the cycle of negative thinking and inactivity that can worsen depression.
– Trauma: CBT can be used to change negative thought patterns about past events and change the way they affect you emotionally in the present.
– Relationship Issues: CBT can improve communication and help couples understand how their thoughts impact their interactions.
– Stress: CBT provides tools for managing stress and finding healthier ways to cope.

Many people also use CBT to build general skills for emotional regulation, boost self-esteem, and improve overall mental well-being.

Why CBT Works

One of the reasons CBT is so effective is because it’s practical and hands-on. It gives you tools to shift your thinking. Research shows that CBT can lead to lasting change because it helps you develop new ways of thinking and behaving that become habits over time.

CBT also empowers you to be your own therapist. As you learn more about your thought patterns and how to change them, you become more capable of managing your mental health outside of therapy sessions. This sense of empowerment can be incredibly motivating, leading to greater self-confidence and a sense of control over your life.

Common Techniques Used in CBT

Here are a few specific techniques often used in CBT:

1. Thought Records
Thought records are a way of tracking your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in response to specific situations. By quickly jotting them down, you can see patterns more clearly and begin to challenge those unhelpful thoughts.

2. Cognitive Restructuring
This is the process of questioning and changing your automatic negative thoughts. It’s about finding more accurate and balanced ways to think about situations.

3. Behavioral Activation
If you’re struggling with depression, behavioral activation involves scheduling enjoyable or meaningful activities to combat low motivation and help break the cycle of isolation or inactivity.

4. Exposure Therapy
For those with anxiety or phobias, exposure therapy involves gradually facing fears in a safe and structured way. This helps reduce fear over time and teaches your brain that the feared situation isn’t as dangerous as it seems.

5. Mindfulness Techniques
Mindfulness is often incorporated into CBT to help people stay grounded in the present moment. It encourages you to observe your thoughts without judgment, which can make it easier to challenge and change them.

What to Expect in a CBT Session

A typical CBT session lasts about 45-60 minutes. At the beginning, you and your therapist will discuss what’s been happening recently and review any patterns that you have noted from tracking in-between sessions. You and your therapist will strategize how you can continue to progress in-between sessions through things like creating a thought diary on your phone, practicing new behaviors, or trying out a relaxation technique.

CBT is collaborative, meaning you and your therapist work together to set goals and decide which strategies to use. This makes it a very active form of therapy—one where you play a key role in your own progress.

How to Get Started with CBT

If you think CBT might be helpful, you can start by finding a licensed therapist who specializes in this approach. Many therapists offer online therapy if meeting in person isn’t an option for you. During your first session, you’ll likely talk about what brings you to therapy and what you’d like to get out of it. Your therapist will help you set goals and create a plan for how to achieve them.

Is CBT Right for You?

CBT isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay. CBT is structured and goal-oriented. If you like practical strategies and want to see measurable progress, CBT could be a great fit. It’s also effective for teens and young adults who may benefit from a more concrete, skills-based approach.

Final Thoughts

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a straightforward, effective way to improve your mental health. By helping you understand the connection between your thoughts, feelings, and actions, CBT gives you the tools to make meaningful changes in your life. Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, or just want to build better habits, CBT offers a practical path forward.

Remember, it’s not about becoming perfectly positive all the time—it’s about learning to respond to life’s challenges with a clearer, more balanced mindset. So, if you’re curious about CBT, consider reaching out to a therapist who can help you get started. You might be surprised at how quickly small changes in your thinking can lead to big changes in your life.

What Are You Saying…To Yourself?

The Power of Self-Talk

When we think about improving our mental health or why we might seek out therapy, it’s often because we’re struggling with things like anxiety, depression, or dealing with past trauma. One crucial yet sometimes overlooked aspect of mental well-being is our self-talk. What we say to ourselves has a profound impact on how we feel, how we navigate challenges, and how we see the world.

Whether you’re sitting in a therapist’s office, chatting with an online therapist, or doing some introspection on your own, learning to shift your inner dialogue from negative to more realistic self-talk can make all the difference. Here’s why self-talk matters and how to start transforming your mindset one thought at a time.

What Is Self-Talk?

Self-talk is the internal conversation you have with yourself. It can be positive and encouraging, like “I handled that situation really well,” or negative and critical, like “I always mess things up.” This running commentary in your mind shapes your perception of yourself and the world around you. It’s no surprise, then, that negative self-talk is often linked to higher levels of anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns.

Therapists, whether providing counseling for relationship issues or helping someone work through grief, often focus on self-talk because it’s a powerful tool for change. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), a popular therapeutic approach, emphasizes the importance of identifying and challenging negative thoughts to shift towards a more balanced perspective.

Why Negative Self-Talk Hurts

Negative self-talk can be damaging in many ways. It can:
– Lower your self-esteem
– Increase feelings of anxiety and sadness
– Make you feel stuck or helpless
– Impact your relationships
– Keep you from pursuing goals or taking healthy risks

Imagine you’re struggling with body image. Negative self-talk might sound like, “I’m fat and ugly,” or “I’ll never look like I want to.” These thoughts don’t just hurt—they’re also not very helpful. They focus on what you don’t like without acknowledging what’s good about you or what you can do to make a positive change.

How to Shift to More Realistic Self-Talk

The goal of changing self-talk isn’t to go from “I’m a failure” to “I’m perfect!” Instead, it’s about finding a realistic, kinder middle ground. Here’s how:

1. Notice the Negative Talk
The first step is awareness. Start paying attention to the critical, harsh things you say to yourself. It might be helpful to write them down. Many therapists suggest keeping a journal of your negative thoughts as a way to understand common patterns. Once you start noticing how often your inner dialogue is negative, it becomes easier to challenge it.

2. Question the Thoughts
Ask yourself if what you’re thinking is truly accurate or fair. Would you say the same thing to a friend in a similar situation? Often, negative self-talk is exaggerated or distorted, and challenging it can help you see the situation more clearly.

3. Reframe the Thought
This is where the real change happens. Take the negative thought and reframe it to something more realistic and constructive. It’s not about false positivity, but rather finding a balanced perspective. Here are some examples:

– From “I’m fat” to “My body is strong and gets me where I need to go.”
This shift acknowledges reality while focusing on what your body can do, rather than how it looks.

– From “I always mess things up” to “I make mistakes, just like everyone else, and I learn from them.”
This reframing acknowledges the mistake without making it your entire identity.

– From “I’m a terrible parent” to “I have good days and bad days as a parent, but I’m trying my best.”
This allows for self-compassion and acknowledges the effort you’re putting in.

4. Practice Kindness Toward Yourself
Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you’d offer a friend. Therapy often involves practicing this compassionate mindset, whether you’re talking to a licensed therapist in person or through online therapy. Remember, it’s okay to make mistakes and to have off days.

5. Use Affirmations That Feel True
Positive affirmations can be helpful if they feel genuine. Instead of saying “I am perfect,” try affirmations that feel real and uplifting: “I am capable,” “I am learning,” “I am in process of,” or “I am enough as I am.” This type of self-talk builds a more grounded and realistic sense of self-worth.

Why Changing Self-Talk Matters

Shifting from negative to realistic self-talk can:
– Lower anxiety and stress
– Improve your mood and overall outlook on life
– Boost self-confidence and resilience
– Enhance your relationships by reducing the impact of negative emotions
– Help you take healthier risks and pursue new goals

For many people, changing their self-talk isn’t easy. It can feel awkward or uncomfortable at first, much like learning to set boundaries in a relationship. The negative thoughts might have been part of your mindset for a long time, so replacing them with realistic, supportive thoughts can feel strange. This is where therapy, like CBT, can help by providing guidance, support, and accountability as you practice new ways of thinking.

Therapy Can Help You Reframe Your Thoughts

Working with a therapist—whether in-person or through online therapy—can give you the tools to challenge negative self-talk effectively. Therapists often use evidence-based techniques, like thought records and reframing exercises, to help you break free from harmful mental habits. They provide a non-judgmental space to explore why you’re so hard on yourself and how to develop a more balanced, compassionate mindset.

Final Thoughts

Changing your self-talk isn’t about pretending everything is perfect. It’s about recognizing that you are more than your mistakes, more than your negative thoughts, and more than any one moment in time. By practicing realistic self-talk, you’re not only improving your mental health but also building a stronger, kinder relationship with yourself—and that’s something worth celebrating.

So, the next time you catch yourself thinking, “I can’t do anything right,” take a step back. Challenge that thought, and try saying instead, “I’ve had setbacks, but I’m learning and growing.” That simple shift can open the door to a healthier, more hopeful mindset—one step at a time.

Boundaries Are The Lines On The Road

Setting Boundaries: A Roadmap to Healthier Relationships

When you hear the words therapy or mental health, you might think about managing anxiety, dealing with depression, or overcoming past trauma. But one of the most practical and impactful skills you can gain through counseling is learning to set healthy boundaries. Boundaries are about knowing where you end and another person begins, and they’re crucial for maintaining healthy relationships with friends, family, partners, and even coworkers.

Setting boundaries can feel intimidating, especially at first. Think of it like the lines on a road. Those lines can seem restrictive—they tell you where you can and can’t drive, where you should stop, and where to slow down. But without them, driving would be chaotic and dangerous. Boundaries work the same way in your relationships. They provide guidelines that keep everyone safe and respected.

Boundaries Benefit YOU

1. Lower Anxiety
When you don’t have clear boundaries, life can feel chaotic. You might say “yes” when you mean “no,” overextend yourself, or take on other people’s emotional baggage. Setting boundaries helps you regain control, reduces stress, and provides a structure that can significantly lower anxiety. That’s why so many therapists emphasize boundary-setting early in the therapeutic process—it’s foundational to maintaining your mental well-being.

2. Prevent Burnout
Without boundaries, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Whether you’re juggling work, family, or just daily life, setting limits gives you space to recharge. This is especially important if you’re prone to people-pleasing or have a history of depression. Saying “no” when necessary is a simple but powerful way to protect your mental health.

3. Improve Self-Esteem
Every time you set a boundary, you send yourself a message that your needs matter. This boosts self-confidence and reinforces a positive self-image. It’s one reason many therapists, including those who provide online therapy often encourage clients to practice boundary-setting as a way to cultivate greater self-worth.

Boundaries Benefit OTHERS

1. Encourage Healthier Relationships
Clear boundaries make it easier for others to understand you. There’s less guesswork about what you expect and need, which reduces potential conflicts. When you know how to say “I can’t do that right now” or “This makes me uncomfortable,” you build trust and foster healthier relationships.

2. Create Clarity and Respect
By setting boundaries, you’re teaching others how to treat you, and you’re doing it in a way that makes it easier for them to respect your needs. When you tell someone, “I need time to myself after work,” you’re not being selfish; you’re setting a standard for healthy interaction. This clarity benefits everyone—both the person setting the boundary and the one receiving it.

3. Help Others Grow
Setting boundaries isn’t just about protecting yourself—it’s also about empowering others. When you communicate your limits, it gives the people around you a chance to reflect on their own behavior and adjust accordingly. It’s why boundary-setting often comes up in relationship counseling; it’s an essential part of healthy, balanced interactions.

How to Start Setting Boundaries

1. Start Small
You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight. Begin by setting simple, specific boundaries. For example, let a friend know you can only hang out on weekends, or tell a coworker you won’t be checking emails after 7 p.m. These small steps make a big difference.

2. Use Clear Language
Communicate your boundaries clearly and calmly. Use statements like, “I do a lot of activities after hours, so I don’t respond to work calls after 5pm.”

3. Be Consistent
Stick to the boundaries you set. If you waver, it can create confusion for others, making it harder for them to respect your needs. Consistency is key to ensuring that your boundaries are effective.

It’s Normal to Feel Scared

Just like learning to drive for the first time, setting boundaries can be scary. It’s natural to worry about how others will react, especially if you’re used to putting their needs ahead of your own. You might fear conflict or feel guilty for saying “no.” But remember, those initial fears are like the hesitation you feel when you first take the wheel on a busy road. With practice, it gets easier, and eventually, you’ll feel more comfortable asserting yourself.

Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about creating a safe space where healthy communication can happen. Much like the lines that guide you down the road, boundaries provide direction and clarity, making sure you stay on course without crossing into dangerous territory. The more you practice, the more natural it will feel, and soon enough, those scary first steps will feel like second nature.

Therapy Can Help

Boundary-setting isn’t always easy. For many, it can bring up feelings of guilt or fear, especially if you’re used to putting others’ needs before your own. This is where a therapist can be invaluable. Counseling, whether in-person or through online therapy, provides a safe space to practice setting boundaries and to get guidance on how to handle pushback from others.

At the end of the day, setting boundaries is about self-care. It’s about making choices that protect your well-being while also fostering healthier, more honest connections with the people in your life. So, don’t hesitate to draw those lines—it’s a win-win for everyone.

People-Pleasing 101

Understanding People-Pleasing

People-pleasing is the habit of putting others’ needs, feelings, and desires above your own, often sacrificing personal well-being to maintain harmony or gain approval. While people-pleasers often have the best intentions, chronic self-neglect and a need to be liked or validated can lead to stress, anxiety, and a weakened sense of self. A key aspect that fuels people-pleasing behavior is empathy—the natural ability to sense and feel what others are experiencing. While empathy is a valuable gift, it can contribute to the cycle of people-pleasing if not balanced with strong boundaries.

The Roots of People-Pleasing Behavior

People-pleasing tendencies often stem from early life experiences, social conditioning, and personality traits, particularly in highly empathetic individuals who are naturally attuned to others’ emotions. Here are some of the main sources of people-pleasing:

  1. Childhood Dynamics: In families where love and approval are given in exchange for compliance or “good” behavior, children learn early on that their worth is tied to pleasing others. This behavior becomes a way to gain affection or avoid punishment, leading to a reliance on external validation for self-worth. Children in such environments often carry people-pleasing habits into adulthood.
  2. Empathy and Sensitivity: Highly empathetic people feel others’ emotions strongly, which can make them more sensitive to others’ needs and discomfort. While empathy is generally a gift and a strength, it can make you more susceptible to people-pleasing. The natural instinct to help or alleviate discomfort in others can become a habit of overextending, even to the point of self-sacrifice.
  3. Cultural and Gender Norms: Society often places expectations on women and marginalized groups to adopt nurturing or agreeable roles, rewarding them for being accommodating. People who grow up internalizing these messages may develop people-pleasing behaviors to fit the mold of being “nice,” “helpful,” or “selfless.”
  4. Fear of Conflict or Rejection: For many, people-pleasing is a way to avoid uncomfortable situations or prevent rejection. The discomfort of disappointing others can feel overwhelming, especially for highly empathetic people who instinctively want to avoid causing hurt or distress in others.
  5. Reward Pathways in the Brain: Receiving approval or praise activates the brain’s reward centers, reinforcing people-pleasing behavior. Over time, people-pleasers learn to seek out these “rewards” for self-worth, leading to a cycle of seeking external validation at the expense of personal needs.

The Development and Effects of People-Pleasing Patterns

As people-pleasing becomes ingrained, it often leads to significant personal costs, including:

  1. Loss of Self-Identity: People-pleasers may begin to lose touch with their own needs, desires, and opinions, as they focus solely on those of others. They often struggle to understand their own boundaries, and this self-neglect can result in a weakened sense of identity.
  2. Chronic Stress and Burnout: Constantly prioritizing others’ needs is exhausting. Over time, this self-sacrifice can lead to stress, anxiety, and even physical health issues as people neglect their own well-being.
  3. Unbalanced Relationships: In relationships where people-pleasing is a dominant behavior, the dynamic often becomes one-sided. This imbalance can lead to resentment and feelings of being undervalued, as people-pleasers often give much more than they receive.
  4. Impact on Self-Esteem: People-pleasers may develop low self-worth from relying on others’ approval for validation. When validation isn’t forthcoming, or relationships become strained, they may feel a profound sense of inadequacy or self-doubt.

Empathy’s Role in People-Pleasing

Empathy is one of the primary reasons people develop people-pleasing habits. People who are naturally empathetic often sense when others are in distress, disappointed, or frustrated, and they feel compelled to help. This can make it difficult to set boundaries, as they instinctively want to “fix” others’ discomfort—even if it comes at a personal cost. However, while empathy can drive people-pleasing, it’s also a quality that can support healthy, authentic relationships if balanced with self-compassion and assertiveness.

Breaking the People-Pleasing Pattern

Changing people-pleasing behavior requires self-awareness, boundary-setting, and practice. Here are strategies to help break free from the cycle while preserving the positive aspects of empathy:

  1. Build Self-Awareness: Pay attention to moments when people-pleasing tendencies arise. Ask yourself what emotions or fears are driving your urge to say “yes” or accommodate. Is it a genuine desire to help, or are you afraid of disappointing someone? Journaling or working with a therapist can help clarify these triggers and create a foundation for change.
  2. Practice Self-Compassion: Often, people-pleasers lack self-compassion, judging themselves harshly if they feel they’ve “failed” someone. Remind yourself that your needs and feelings are just as valid as others’. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and respect you offer to others.
  3. Reframe Empathy as a Strength with Limits: Empathy doesn’t have to mean self-sacrifice. Learning to recognize others’ feelings without taking responsibility for their happiness is crucial. Healthy empathy respects others’ emotions while also honoring your own needs and boundaries.
  4. Set Boundaries Gradually: Start by setting small boundaries that don’t feel too intimidating, like declining minor requests or taking time for yourself. Gradually work up to establishing more significant boundaries in relationships. With practice, setting boundaries will feel more natural, and people will adjust to the new dynamic.
  5. Reinterpret Discomfort as Growth: It’s natural to feel uncomfortable when breaking a long-standing pattern. Instead of interpreting this discomfort as failure or inadequacy, view it as a sign of personal growth. Over time, each “no” will become easier, and you’ll feel more confident asserting your needs.
  6. Reevaluate Relationships: Surround yourself with people who respect and value your boundaries. Relationships where mutual respect and honesty are present will support your journey away from people-pleasing and foster a sense of security in showing up as your true self.
  7. Seek Support from a Professional: A therapist or counselor can offer valuable tools to navigate the complexities of people-pleasing. Therapy can help you identify underlying beliefs, build self-worth, and learn practical skills to assert your needs.

Final Thoughts

People-pleasing often begins as a coping mechanism in response to early family dynamics, societal expectations, and personal traits like empathy. While empathy is a beautiful and essential quality, it can lead to patterns of self-sacrifice if not balanced with strong boundaries and self-care. By practicing self-awareness, redefining self-worth, and developing healthy boundaries, you can break free from the people-pleasing cycle while still nurturing empathy in a way that honors both your needs and those of others.

11 Fun Types of Meditation!

When you think of meditation, do you imagine sitting perfectly still with a blank mind? Many people assume that’s the only way to meditate, but there are so many ways to make meditation engaging, even fun! Whether you’re a natural daydreamer, love to move, or simply want help falling asleep, there’s a meditation style for you. Let’s dive into some popular and unique types of meditation to show you just how varied (and enjoyable!) this practice can be

1. Mindfulness Meditation – Savoring the Present Moment

Mindfulness meditation is about being fully present and aware of what you’re doing—whether it’s eating, walking, or even just breathing. But it doesn’t have to be dull! Try a “mindful eating” exercise with a favorite snack, paying close attention to every taste and texture. Or take a slow, mindful walk and focus on your surroundings. Even washing dishes or brushing your teeth can be more enjoyable when you turn it into a moment of mindful meditation.

2. Movement Meditation – Great for Active Minds

If you’re a mover by nature, movement meditation can be a great way to focus your mind while you’re active. Yoga is a classic option, but you could also try Tai Chi, which is like slow-motion dancing, or simply dancing to your favorite music. Pay attention to how each movement feels, focusing on physical sensations. By the end, you’ll feel both energized and calm, with a clearer mind.

3. Guided Imagery – Take a Mini Mental Vacation

Guided imagery meditation involves visualizing peaceful scenes with the help of an audio guide. Picture yourself lying on a sunny beach, wandering through a forest, or floating on clouds. It’s like taking a mental vacation, and you don’t even have to meditate “perfectly”—just let your mind be guided. This type of meditation can be soothing, fun, and a great way to unwind at the end of a long day.

4. Loving-Kindness Meditation – Warm Up Your Heart

In loving-kindness meditation, or “metta” meditation, you focus on sending love and positive thoughts to yourself and others. It’s a lot more enjoyable than you’d think to silently wish happiness for people you love, or even strangers. Picture each person in your mind and imagine a warm light surrounding them. It’s surprising how warm and joyful this practice can feel, almost like your heart is giving everyone a big, cozy hug.

5. Sound Bath Meditation – A Soothing Sonic Experience

Imagine lying down in a cozy space, closing your eyes, and being surrounded by calming sounds from gongs, crystal bowls, or chimes. Sound baths are designed to wash over you, helping you reach a deep state of relaxation without needing to “do” much at all. Many people find that the soothing tones make it easy to drift into a meditative state, even if they usually struggle to calm their minds.

6. Breathwork – Playful Breathing Exercises

Breathwork meditation uses simple, structured breathing exercises to focus your mind. Try the 4-7-8 technique (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8), or just take deep breaths and exhale with a big sigh. Playing around with different breathing patterns can feel like a game for your brain and is a great way to release stress quickly.

7. Body Scan Meditation – A Gentle Mind-Body Check-In

In a body scan meditation, you focus on each part of your body, usually starting from your toes and moving up to your head. Pay attention to how each part feels, like you’re scanning your body for little sensations. It can feel like a treasure hunt for hidden tension, and by the end, you’re likely to feel more relaxed and grounded.

8. Coloring Meditation – Art Therapy Meets Mindfulness

Coloring is another form of meditation, especially if sitting quietly feels challenging. Grab an adult coloring book or even just some paper and crayons, and get creative! The act of choosing colors and filling in patterns helps you focus without overthinking, giving your mind a rest from daily worries. This is a great option for people who like hands-on activities.

9. Laughing Meditation – Because Sometimes You Just Need a Good Laugh

Yes, laughing meditation is a real thing! This meditation involves beginning with fake laughter until it turns real. Start by laughing intentionally, even if it feels silly—soon, genuine laughter will follow. This exercise releases feel-good hormones, boosts mood, and can create a shared sense of joy if you’re doing it with others.

10. Affirmation Meditation – Give Yourself Positive Vibes

Affirmation meditation combines the power of positive thinking with mindfulness. Simply choose affirmations that feel meaningful to you (such as “I am calm and capable” or “I am enough”). Repeat them to yourself as you breathe deeply. This practice builds self-compassion and boosts motivation, and it can be surprisingly soothing, especially when you’re feeling stressed or low on confidence.

11. Sleep Meditation Apps – Meditate Your Way to a Great Night’s Sleep

If you want to relax before bedtime or even fall asleep while meditating, sleep meditation apps like Insight Timer, Calm, or Headspace have you covered. Some of these apps are free and they offer hundreds of guided meditations and calming sleep stories designed to help you unwind. Just turn on a relaxing session and let yourself drift off—it’s meditation and a bedtime story in one!

Meditation doesn’t need to be a quiet, stiff practice. Whether you’re into visualization, movement, sound, or sleep apps, there are plenty of fun and engaging ways to bring meditation into your life. The best part? There’s no “right” way to meditate—just find what feels good and enjoy the process!

Who Are You Really? A Guide To Finding Your True Self

Have you ever wondered, “Who am I, really?” It’s a big question, and it can feel kind of overwhelming. But figuring out who you are deep down can make life more meaningful and help you feel more confident in making choices that feel right for you.

Here’s a guide to help you start exploring and discovering who you really are:

1. Accept Yourself—Flaws and All

One of the first steps to understanding yourself is accepting yourself as you are, right now. It’s easy to focus on things you don’t like about yourself, but nobody is perfect, and that’s okay. Self-acceptance is about learning to be kind to yourself and recognizing that all parts of you matter, even the ones you’re not thrilled with.

**Ask Yourself:** *What do I like about myself? What do I find hard to accept?*

2. Question Outside Expectations

We often feel pressure to be a certain way because of family, friends, or society. But to know who you really are, you’ll need to learn to separate what *you* want from what others expect. Think about the things you do because you genuinely enjoy them versus things you do because you feel you “should.”

**Try This:** *Think of a decision you’ve made recently. Was it truly for you, or because someone else expected it?*

3. Identify What Matters to You

Values are like your life’s “guiding lights.” They help you make choices and figure out what really matters. Your values can be anything from honesty to kindness to creativity—whatever feels most meaningful to you.

**Action Step:** *Make a list of things that make you feel happy or proud. What do they have in common? Those might be your values.*

4. Trust Your Gut Feelings

Your intuition, or gut feeling, is like an inner voice that helps you know what feels right or wrong. It’s often quieter than thoughts or opinions, but listening to it can help you make choices that feel true to who you are. Try spending a few quiet minutes each day paying attention to any feelings that pop up.

**Try This:** *When you’re faced with a decision, pause and ask yourself, “Does this feel right?”*

5. Embrace Change

Knowing yourself isn’t about finding a fixed answer—people grow and change over time, and that’s a good thing. Your interests, opinions, and goals may shift as you get older. Embrace these changes as part of your journey; they’re helping you become the best version of you.

**Mindset Shift:** *Instead of saying, “I have to figure out who I am,” try thinking, “I’m on a journey to understand myself better.”*

6. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help

Self-discovery isn’t something you have to do alone. Talking to someone you trust—whether a friend, family member, or counselor—can give you new perspectives on yourself. A counselor, especially, can help guide you on this journey by helping you explore your thoughts, feelings, and values in a safe space.

Final Thought: Keep Going

Learning who you are takes time, so don’t feel rushed. Stay curious about yourself and keep exploring what makes you unique. When you take the time to understand yourself, life can feel more like *your* life and less like one shaped by others. Remember, this journey is all about discovering the person you’re meant to be—and that’s something worth taking your time for.

Everything We Do Is About Emotions

Our choices may seem grounded in logic or practicality, but if you peel back the layers, you’ll find that they’re ultimately motivated by emotion. Beneath all our ambitions, relationships, and daily routines lies one simple truth: everything we do is an attempt to get closer to the emotions we want to feel.

Let’s unpack this idea by exploring how emotions shape our lives and the decisions we make.

# 1. **Our Goals Are Guided by Feelings**
– Imagine someone setting a career goal to earn a six-figure salary or even seven figures. At a glance, this goal seems driven by money, but the real driver is the emotional satisfaction they believe this will bring—perhaps feelings of security, pride, or the validation of their worth. If someone is aiming for a promotion or a fitness milestone, what’s at the core is often not the status or the health benefit but the feeling of accomplishment and confidence they expect to experience.

– Emotions like happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment serve as the underlying motives for our aspirations. Our goals are less about the end achievement itself and more about the way we hope to feel when we reach them.

# 2. **Relationships and Emotional Fulfillment**
– Why do we seek relationships? Humans are inherently social, but we also crave emotional bonds because they offer a profound sense of love, belonging, and joy. Whether it’s friendship, romantic partnership, or family, relationships are largely about creating and sustaining feelings that make life richer and more meaningful.

– Even our interactions with acquaintances, neighbors, or coworkers are often influenced by how they make us feel. We gravitate towards people who make us feel good and avoid those who don’t. When we connect with others, we’re subconsciously choosing the emotions we want to welcome into our lives.

# 3. **Career Choices and Personal Satisfaction**
– People often assume careers are chosen based on practicality—what we’re good at or what will pay the bills. But deep down, we choose careers that make us feel accomplished, useful, or purposeful. For instance, someone may choose a career in teaching because it makes them feel they’re contributing positively to society, not necessarily for the paycheck.

– In jobs where these emotional needs go unmet, people frequently report dissatisfaction, burnout, and a desire to change paths. Ultimately, career decisions are often based on a quest for the emotions associated with fulfillment, respect, or purpose.

# 4. **Hobbies, Passions, and Joyful Moments**
– We engage in hobbies and passions not because they are essential for survival but because they evoke pleasure, creativity, or relaxation. Whether someone loves painting, gardening, or playing sports, each of these pursuits is rooted in the emotions they inspire.

– Moments of joy and flow—the times we lose ourselves in something we love—are powerful emotional experiences that keep us coming back for more. Our free time is shaped by what makes us feel the most alive and satisfied.

# 5. **The Link Between Emotions and Consumption**
– Consumption isn’t just about meeting physical needs; it’s deeply tied to our emotions. We buy things to feel a certain way. Whether it’s a new gadget, a designer bag, or even food, we often choose items based on how they’ll make us feel rather than pure necessity.

– Marketing and advertising strategies hinge on this fact. They don’t sell the product itself—they sell the emotions associated with owning that product: success, luxury, comfort, and sometimes even nostalgia or excitement. Our consumption patterns highlight how much we’re driven by the emotions we want to experience.

# 6. **Avoidance of Negative Emotions**
– Just as much as we’re motivated to chase positive emotions, we’re also motivated to avoid negative ones. This avoidance can influence our behavior just as strongly, if not more so, than the pursuit of positive feelings. We avoid confrontation because we want to sidestep discomfort. We might procrastinate on tasks that create stress. Or we steer clear of certain environments or people that bring us anxiety or frustration.

– This constant balancing act—seeking the emotions we want and dodging the ones we don’t—explains much of our daily decision-making. We’re hardwired to avoid discomfort, even if it sometimes leads to missed opportunities or delayed progress.

# 7. **Emotional Awareness as a Key to Fulfillment**
– Understanding that our actions are driven by emotional needs can empower us to make more intentional choices. When we recognize that what we’re really after is a specific feeling, we can adjust our goals and actions in ways that actually bring us closer to those emotions.

– Instead of assuming external achievements will automatically make us happy, we can focus on cultivating the feelings of fulfillment, joy, or love in our current circumstances. We might still work toward goals, but we’re no longer placing all of our emotional well-being on the idea that they alone will bring happiness.

**Emotions Are the Compass of Life**

When we come to terms with how emotions drive our choices, it can be a transformative realization. Everything from the big life decisions down to the tiny daily habits is influenced by how we want to feel. And when we start acting with this awareness, we can begin aligning our lives with what truly matters to us emotionally.

Understanding this can help us become more compassionate toward ourselves and others. Everyone is, in essence, pursuing the emotions they most desire, even if they don’t always know it. When we accept this, we can start living with a more intentional approach, taking each step with the clarity that we’re not just chasing goals—we’re chasing the way we want to feel.

Back to Basics: The Self-Care You Deserve

In the hustle and bustle of life, we often hear the phrase “self-care,” but what does it really mean? Is it just about bubble baths and treating yourself to a special meal, or is it something deeper, something more vital to your well-being? Self-care is not doing things you think you are “should do” or what society says to do.  If going to the spa feels uncomfortable for you, then going to the spa is not self-care.  Caring for yourself is an essential practice that goes far beyond surface-level comforts. It’s about reconnecting with your needs, nurturing your mind, body, and spirit, and treating yourself with the kindness you truly deserve.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, drained, or disconnected, maybe it’s time to go back to the basics of self-care. Let’s explore how you can make small, yet powerful changes that will support your emotional and mental health in profound ways.

1. Listen to Your Body

Your body is always talking to you. Whether it’s through physical tension, fatigue, or a sense of restlessness, your body gives you signals when it needs attention. But how often do you stop and listen? One of the most basic forms of self-care is simply paying attention to what your body is telling you.

Take moments during the day to pause, breathe deeply, and ask yourself, “What does my body need right now?” Maybe it’s rest, maybe it’s movement, maybe it’s hydration or a nourishing meal. By tuning in, you’re not only caring for your physical self but also sending a powerful message to yourself: I matter, and my needs are important.

2. Nurture Your Mind

In today’s fast-paced world, we often neglect the health of our minds. We get stuck in patterns of overthinking, self-criticism, or endless worry. Self-care for your mind means creating space to slow down and be present with yourself. It could be as simple as setting aside five minutes a day to practice mindfulness, meditate, or journal your thoughts.

Journaling is especially powerful because it allows you to release what’s swirling in your head, and reflect on your experiences without judgment. It’s a form of emotional release that nurtures your mental clarity and helps you understand yourself better. Even brief periods of mindfulness can make a significant difference in how you feel throughout your day.

3. Set Healthy Boundaries

This is a big one. How often do you find yourself saying “yes” when you really mean “no”? Whether it’s in your relationships, at work, or even with yourself, setting healthy boundaries is one of the most empowering acts of self-care. Boundaries are not about shutting others out, but about protecting your energy and well-being.  Setting boundaries for yourself can inspire and empower others to set healthy boundaries for themselves as well.

You deserve to have space in your life where you can rest and recharge without guilt. It’s okay to say no to things that overwhelm or drain you. Start with small steps—identify one area where you can set a boundary today and see how it helps you regain a sense of control and peace.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

This is perhaps the most loving form of self-care—learning to speak kindly to yourself. We are often our own worst critics, holding ourselves to impossibly high standards. But self-care means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a dear friend.

When you make a mistake, or when things don’t go as planned, take a moment to remind yourself that you are human, and that it’s okay to not have everything figured out. Self-compassion is not about letting yourself off the hook, but about recognizing that you are worthy of love and forgiveness, even when things are tough. Replace negative self-talk with truthful and positive messaging.

5. Reconnect with Joy

Sometimes we get so caught up in responsibilities that we forget to ask ourselves, What brings me joy? It’s easy to think that self-care is just about what you need to survive, but it’s also about thriving. Take time to engage in activities that light you up, that bring you peace, or that simply make you smile.

Whether it’s a creative hobby, spending time in nature, playing with a pet, or calling a friend who makes you laugh, these moments of joy are essential. They remind you that life isn’t just about getting through the day—it’s about savoring it.  If you’re not sure what naturally brings you joy, think about what activities or hobbies you enjoyed authentically when you were a kid that you may have stopped as an adult.  Reading?  Going to the pool?  Walking in the woods?

A Loving Reminder

Self-care is not selfish. It is an act of love—for yourself and for those around you. When you take care of yourself, you are better able to show up fully in your relationships, in your work, and in your life. Going back to the basics doesn’t mean you’re starting over—it means you’re honoring the foundation of your well-being.

If you’ve been struggling to prioritize your needs, remember that it’s never too late to start. Self-care is a lifelong practice, and every small step you take brings you closer to feeling more balanced, more present, and more at peace.

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